A personal perspective by Llyn Wilson
There were many different influences around, both personal and political, in the mid-seventies when I became increasingly convinced that the different factors which contributed to child abuse might be eased somewhat by the setting up of a voluntary organisation to support parents who were experiencing difficulties.
Long before I had my children I had a lay person’s interest in the psychology and development of babies and children. I read widely. which influenced y ideas on what babies needed in order to thrive and develop physically and emotionally into mature and balanced adults. The most significant book was ‘The Integrity of the Personality’ by Anthony Storr which I read many times and still dip into today. There was a growing concern into what was coined ‘The Battered Baby, syndrome, with much medic coverage into high-profile cases of injury and death of children at the hands of their parents. Professional study and research was being conducted into possible reasons and ways these could be alleviated.
When I gave birth to my first child at twenty-eight, I believed myself to be fully prepared! I had attended NCT ante-natal classes regularly and prepared myself for a natural delivery. However, I had not considered (in 1974) that the maternity unit may have different ideas. On arrival I was promptly pumped with two pints of enema, injected with pethidine and left in the delivery room for long spells alone with my husband. Fear and pain started to engulf me as labour seemed to take forever and towards the end I felt I had no control over anything. Not a very pleasant experience, but none the less when my son finally arrived, battered and bruised, I was ecstatic. That particular experience was never to be repeated as I chose to have my next three children at home, which allowed me the emotional and physical control to deliver my babies completely natural.
I enjoyed enormously and discovered an unexpectedly fierce and protective love within myself. Breastfeeding was such a satisfying and fulfilling experience that I wanted to spread the word and help other mums get the same pleasure, so I trained with the National Childbirth Trust to become a counsellor and post-natal supporter.
Everything was going so well until he was about eighteen months old when I started to experience other unwanted feelings which alarmed me. He was always following me around even to the loo, asking endless questions and demanding my attention all the time (quite normal for a toddler), but I became exhausted and irritable. There were times when I wanted to hit out at him or kick him away like a troublesome puppy. I truly believed I was going mad, so I went to see my doctor and fortunately was able to tell him honestly what I was feeling. He listened with attention and respect and finally asked me if I wanted to kill him. I was horrified, no, of course I didn’t, I loved him more than anything in the world. He prescribed a short course of anti-depressants and said that my feelings were not unusual and that I was over-tired and run down. The significance of that particular episode was that someone had listened to me as a person and not interpreted my feelings as monstrous, just a human response to the sometimes extreme demands of motherhood. Having had the space to talk and be listened to helped me get things into perspective and accept both the positive and negative feelings.
My voluntary work with the NCT gave me a lot of insight into the different feelings women experienced when their role changed from that of individual woman to mum. Marriages were shaken, sleepless nights contributed to depression, paid employment was often forfeited and thus financial independence was lost and, sadly, some did not experience the rush of maternal love they expected to feel.
Around this time the tragic case of Maria Colwell gained huge media coverage. She was a little girl whose early life was troubled due to her parent’s violent marriage and subsequent divorce. She was sent to live with foster parents because her mother was unable to cope and became a thriving happy little girl. However, when her mother married again she wanted Maria back, which was fiercely opposed by her foster mother, to no avail. Within months she was killed by her stepfather. Following the public outcry, a parliamentary committee was set up with representatives from voluntary and professional bodies researching and reporting on their findings. Thus the Select Committee Report on Violence in the Family was published in 1977. Amongst its many recommendations was one that I was particularly interested in which suggested that social services give their support to any voluntary initiative working in this field.
The culmination of these influences on my growing awareness and concern was listening to a Radio Four programme called ‘Voice of the People’, a weekly hour-long phone-in where listeners were invited to call and air their views on a topical designated item. That particular Friday the subject was ‘baby battering’ and, needless to say, many of those who called were outraged and angry with the social services, who were not protecting children, and the parents who harmed them. What affected me most whilst I listened was the story of three women who phoned expressing fear and torment because of the uncontrollable anger towards their children. Each recognised that they needed help and attempted to find it. One phoned her social worker but there was no out of hours service, another phoned her health visitor and was promised a return call which never came and the third phoned the police, who would not respond because a crime had not been committed. Unhappily, these three desperate women finally battered their children who were all now in the care of the local authority. Their stories triggered me into action.
I contacted friends and NCT colleagues and asked them their opinions about a voluntary, confidential and anonymous lifeline for parents who, for whatever reason, had reached or were in danger of reaching boiling point. I got an overwhelmingly positive response. The next few months were spent visiting all the statutory authorities involved with child care. The response was far more positive than I expected, but none of them offered to actually organise such a group. I started to feel very deflated and didn’t know how to progress any further when someone suggested I take my idea to Wilf Harrison, the Director of the Council of Voluntary Services.
Everything gathered momentum after that meeting. He suggested that I needed to have a large public meeting to which all interested parties were invited, including those I had already spoken to in the statutory sector. I have him a list of names and addresses, suggested a date and he did the rest, including a notice in the local press. It was the most terrifying moment in my life when I stood in front of an audience of about a hundred people on 25 th September 1977 and introduced my idea. Lots of questions were asked which I was able to answer convincingly and coherently until finally it came to the time when they all had to vote. The response was 100% in favour and a steering committee was set up there and then to see this idea through to inception. I was voted its chair with representatives from the voluntary and statutory sector agreeing to support me. Had it not been for Wilf guiding me through the organisational and administrative processes I am sure the idea would have foundered, since I am not one of the most organised people around.
During the next few months the steering committee met frequently whilst policy procedures were put in place and charitable status was sought. Some of the new volunteers, including myself, visited voluntary organisations which offered help to parents and children, in order to gain ideas on how best to operate our service. Parents Anonymous Nottingham were particularly helpful. We also had talks by representatives of the Samaritans, Relate, the Probation Service, Health Visiting Service and University Social Work department. The first two ten-week preparation courses for the volunteers were given by a member of the Social Work department and a consultant child psychiatrist led the first support group. We were learning as we went along about telephone techniques, basic counselling skills, needs of children and their parents, government legislation and so forth.
The first group of dedicated volunteers who were with me from the very beginning worked selflessly for a cause they truly believed in and empathised with totally. We were fortunate in having partners who fully supported us by getting involved and helping at our fundraising events, looking after children whilst we were at meetings or on the helpline and generally making it easier for us to do what we believed in. The only qualification needed to become eligible for the preparation training was that they were parents and could identify with the mixed emotions that parenthood brings.
Various sub-committees were set up to deal with publicity, fund-raising, training, policy and procedures. The volunteers not only manned the helpline but organised fund-raising events and publicity drives and gave talks to many groups. This was not a one-way situation though, since being a part of Parent Lifeline had a huge impact on all our lives. It enriched our experience and added to our levels of confidence whilst not in paid employment, and for some it changed the direction of our lives as we went on to train in other professions. Indirectly we helped each other by being able to talk freely about our children and relationships and life in general, gaining greater understanding and awareness. Whilst we enjoyed the feeling of making a contribution I am sure we got back as much, if not more, than we gave.
From the time of the public meeting to the inception of Parent Lifeline much local and national interest was shown in our progress, and not only did we hit the local headlines but the Times, Calendar News and Radio Four also wanted interviews. So with a £65 grant from the local council and a room in the Women’s Aid refuge in Nether Edge given rent-free, the first two volunteers waited on 30 th January 1978 for the first call.
After a blaze of publicity and excitement we were expecting to be inundated with calls, but not a single one came that night or the following few nights. Feeling quite deflated we needed to support each other quite a lot in those first few weeks in order to maintain our faith that a confidential and anonymous listening service would be a helpful and used service. The fact that Parent Lifeline still exists twenty-five years later vindicates that faith.
Parent Lifeline co-ordinators from left to right: Caroline Bunting, Judith O’Connell, Margaret Robinson, Mary Alexander. (Mavis Lilley and Ian Mackenzie not present)
CHANGES ALONG THE WAY
Mary Alexander
Groups similar to Parent Lifeline sprang up all over the country within a few years. It seemed sensible to communicate with each other and we in Sheffield helped to set up a national co-ordinating committee of self-help groups for Parents Under Stress (OPUS). We voted in 1989 to join the national organisation of Parentline, which OPUS had become, so that we could benefit from national publicity and increase our number of calls. In April 2000 however, we chose to opt out and revert to our original name, as staying in Parentline would have forced us to lose our independence.
Let’s go back now to 1979, when the early volunteers were raising to the challenge of running an almost 24-hour helpline with about twenty people, all parents themselves on their own, mainly young, families to look after as well. The closure of the Women’s Refuge forced a move to new premises and it was at this hectic period that we decided to employ a paid part-time co-ordinator (late 1979). A second one was appointed a year later on a job-sharing basis.
Looking back, you realise not only how Parent Lifeline has changed but how times have changed. For instance, in 1981 a volunteer took a child into her own home for the night to give the mother a break, unthinkable nowadays. It was quite common for volunteers to visit callers in their homes, often responding immediately, and then sometimes visiting them every week (142 home visits in 1980-81). There have been times when volunteers have kept up a written correspondence with certain callers. Other ways of helping included contacting officials on behalf of parents with their consent eg arranging appointments with the Probation Service or Social Services.
We often say how the types of call have changed from being about babies to being mainly about teenagers, but apparently this was noted as early as 1980-81. More calls of a serious nature and covering a wider range of problems led to a decision to step up our training programme. Our excellent system of Support Groups, led by professionals from outside Parent Lifeline, was set up quite early on.
The overnight duty continued until April 2000 when we reluctantly decided to end the duty at 11.30 pm. This decision was forced on us in order to attract and keep volunteers. It is getting harder to recruit new members. Most now have jobs as well as families, and quite a few are taking counselling courses, so spare time for extra commitments like fund-raising events is in short supply. Nevertheless, they still manage to contribute. Our members continue to give talks on the work of Parent Lifeline whenever possible. We have had stalls on many occasions, including the Heeley Festival for the past three years, in order to raise funds as well as our profile. An important addition to the service we offer as been the introduction of Parenting Courses, which are now held twice a year and require a huge commitment on the part of those volunteers involved (see article on these by Angela Bailey).
The energy of the original volunteers resulted in some amazing projects. Perhaps the most ambitious was a Grand Fashion Show which sold 200 tickets and made over £500profit, a substantial sum in 1982. There were social occasions like Christmas Barn dances and family picnic at Padley Gorge. More recently, we marked our 21 st birthday with a Garden Party at the home of one of our volunteers, complete with music from a Sheffield Youth Orchestra quartet. To bring us right up to date, we celebrated our 25 th Anniversary AGM in June this year, with a well-attended gathering and buffet at the Scouts HQ. We were delighted to see seven of the nine chairmen, past and present, at the meeting. Founder Llyn Wilson did the honour of cutting the exquisitely-iced cake made by one of our volunteers.
Despite the changes, the qualities required of a Parent Lifeline volunteer remain the same. John Oram, a long-established Support Group Leader, says that he looks for four qualities: “a healthy level of self-doubt coupled with self-acceptance; a desire to develop and grow; a genuine respect and compassion for people; a hesitancy to come up with answers. Where these exist I know we have the makings of a valuable volunteer.”
Parent Lifeline Chairmen from left to right: Jane Lindsay, June Benson, Gwen Smithson, Llyn Wilson, Jim Winter, Angela Bailey, Renee Marks (Joan Larson and Mandy Johnson not present).